Through dried tears, heavy eyes, and racing thoughts as I write this, it feels like brisk wind sweeping past my face, whipping loose leaves from branches 𓂃𓇢𓆸 as a relentless, catastrophic thunderstorm has seemingly past after the dark stormy night. After a week of multiple counseling sessions, filing a restraining order, 7 sleepless nights, many stomach cramps, a backfired spell, an irreversible major change, another week of deactivation, a login back into an account I haven’t touched in 5 years since Covid, a bruise and a broken nail LATER.. I have FINALLY survived this eclipse season, i feel as though I just got my heart and soul physically ripped from my chest, the blood over-pouring out in the surgeon’s palm (although that feels like a common experience yearly). Only for the aggressive mercy of my heart being forcefully shoved back into my chest, stitched back together and being told to survive again. (like yuji’s reference LMAO)
Having to brace myself everyday with something unexpected to happen, each notification from my phone created paranoia and brought anxiety to me incase it was them, my heart dropped every time I got a text, can my nervous system rest omfg? i can't even count the amount of times i've been constipated this week (╥ ᴗ ╥) (I could barely focus on the 1st day of class.. ALL DURING THE FIRST WEEK OF SCHOOL BTW)
Eclipse seasons are known to be very chaotic, volatile, and bring heightened intensity & emotions, forcing a massive change or transformation that is much needed. Anything that ends during this season is irreversible; a bridge that is burnt cannot be rebuilt again.
In fact, I have faced a very similar situation to this current heavy Eclipse season, it was May of 2023 when the solar eclipse was through the signs of Taurus-Scorpio, obviously affecting me as a Taurus stellium 
. It was the last 2 days of the lunar eclipse during the Scorpio new moon. I truly remember those 2 days were the worst days of my life. Normally if this wasn’t during the eclipse, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have felt like everything was crashing down on me, so heavy that I couldn’t even take one breath of air. The only emotions I felt during that time were enormous influxes of anger combined with any emotion I felt was amplified and exaggerated x10, I didn’t just feel those emotions , I was consumed by them. I have never missed a day in school ever in my life, except for those specific 2 days.
There’s this aching, nervous, twisted knot in the bottom pit of my stomach caused by overthinking. Do you ever get that feeling that a problem is endless? Irreversible? Unfixable? That nothing you can do will ever stop or change it? I’ve been hopeless many times before when I’ve reached rock bottom; I thought it was impossible to escape situations similar to this. I kept hearing from others around me that it’ll “get better”, that they’re “hoping” it gets better (even from my counselor). Well, I don’t want to fucking wait for hope or something good to happen? It's not going to get better. It's not. If you don't do something about it? I can’t sit here and expect for it to magically go away on a random day. I also can’t keep “ignoring” the problems like my father says, if it keeps building up and getting worse every time? I needed an action, a solution, anything tangible FOR something to actually happen. I’m tired of expecting something good or justice to come in, when I CAN make that change happen myself.
I’m also tired (especially as a Neptune 1st houser) for people to constantly project onto me their “desires, assumptions, & fears” or examine me like i’m an object of their dreams, instead of treating me like a human with feelings. Like Neptune’s ever moving fog, you cannot cage or give them a structure, it is to be felt, with every change of identity that they mirror. No one has ever met the exact same version of me, which is why it is so surprising to others when I act another way. They get disappointed when I don’t fit into their “ideal fantasy”, yet they never take me seriously.. even with me being so bluntly honest about their projections, that’s it’s fake, that I'm not perfect.
As I read this over again with glistening watery eyes, on the last day of the Lunar Eclipse on a Pisces moon (how sentimental). I have learnt one thing from this eclipse season & the deplorable obstacles I’ve endured in this life:
No one is going to save you, only you can save yourself.
To the world, I am pure sunshine. Underneath, I am made of stardust and midnight skies ⋆˚࿔
Sincerely, Daughter of Neptune
♆
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